It’s amazing how you can have more to say about a truly truly terrible film than you do about the good ones.

As you know, I’m trying to educate myself in all things film by catching up on those classics that I’ve never got around to seeing. However last week, instead of watching Saving Private Ryan as planned, I ended up watching the terrible Catwoman, ironically because my kitten had decided that my shoulder would be an AWESOME place to sleep, and I didn’t really want to disturb her lest she bring out the crazy eyes and start tearing up my legs again.

So in the name of kitty-naps I watched this god-awful film with oh so very hammy acting. The plot is terrible; while the latest Batman had a psychopathic terrorist blowing up Gotham, the only Catwoman film involves the evil of… FACIAL MOISTURISERS.

EGAD.

Because of course, women can’t deal with anything other than a dodgy beauty regimen, right? Albeit a regimen that kills, but seriously now. It seems hardly just sheer coincidence that a film revolving around a female superhero’s main conflict is to do with a beauty cream.

But Catwoman, we really need to talk about your costume. It pretty much represents everything that’s wrong with female superheroes’ costumes. I know suspension of belief is needed when it comes to superhero fiction, but just because you possess all the skills of a feline doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t invest in a decent sports bra for all your crime fighting needs.

I mean a push up bra, really? Any female martial artist will tell you that you want those puppies strapped way down. Ever been punched in the boob? It REALLY hurts. Not to mention that the twins aren’t going to be in such great shape after a few years of bobbing around while you perform incomprehensible physical feats as you fight dastardly criminals.

Then there’s the leather. Oh Catwoman, didn’t anyone tell you that leather is not so practical for a life of thwarting evil beauty cream manufacturers? It’s sticky, you’ll get sweaty and hot really easily (even if you do have half your torso hanging out) and really, performing any sort of kick above the waist in those things, as your convoluted fight scenes will clearly demand because we want them to look flashy, is going to be pretty difficult. You should see the sexy trousers I wear to Karate – plenty of crotch room for those flashy kicks. My bum might not look so great in them, but at least I’m not going to get some serious downstairs problems! Also – where are you going to put your keys and your wallet?

And can we please talk about the heels? WHY? Very few women can totter at a decent walking pace in heels, let alone run or kick or cartwheel. I know you’re all cattish and that, but come on now love. Everyone knows that a pair of sensible trainers will save you a lifetime of knee and hip problems.

But obviously no one had practicality in mind when they designed Catwoman’s costume. All that matters is that she looks sexy and has plenty of skin on show. Again, I’m probably missing the point; female superheroes are there to titillate men, right? Or am I mistaken in believing that positive, ass-kicking female protagonists can exist without having to be all pouty and super sexy?

Oh yes they can – Hitgirl’s my personal favourite. Who’s yours?